In 2009 I began studying for a Level 2 certificate in counselling concepts and training at St Ivo School Adult and Community Learning in Cambridgeshire. I completed the Level 2 in 10 weeks and then went on to complete Level 3 in2010 and Level 4 in 2011-13. My training consisted of cognitive behavioural therapy, humanistic and psychodynamic theories. I consider myself to be an integrative counsellor. I am currently completing the face-to-face client hours I need to qualify as a counsellor. This article is a reflection on the stages of my training and the personal transformation I have undergone. But first, some background information about me. My name
is Rebecca. I am 26 years old. I have cerebral palsy.
Cerebral palsy occurs when part of the brain fails to work. Each case is unique, but usually people’s muscle control and mobility are affected. Due to severe weakness in my legs, back and arms – particularly in my left side – I need help with dressing, bathing and washing, toileting and getting into bed. I have involuntary movement in my left arm, which I cannot control – spasms just happen of their own accord. I also have a visual impairment, which means I require large print in order to read. I am in an electric wheelchair all the time and need to be accompanied when I go out. I have wanted to be a counsellor since I was 10 years old. As
I was growing up, I had more connections with adults than with people my own age. Due to the nature of conversation I could have with them, I found that adults could reason and question me better; there was more depth to the conversation. People my own age shied away from me. I think it was because they did not know how to approach me and my disability, and I was still coming to terms with it myself then. Surrounded by adults, I did not talk much, but listened more. This capacity to listen came before I was able to find my own voice. From what I heard, other friends were not given the time and attention they needed from their families in order to verbalise their worries. And if they did verbalise them, family members would just jump in and try to solve problems without actually hearing them out or listening properly to what they had on their mind. This is one of the reasons I sought counselling training.
Growing up, due to the different needs I had compared to
everybody else, when I heard other people talk about their
problems I could see how much that problem was affecting
them. Even though I was in a wheelchair, I could see how people
around me were being disabled by their anxiety, and not having
the time and space to explore such issues. I wanted to show
them that it could be done. This again drove me towards
counselling training. I started to see the value in counselling
because of its power to help people make adjustments to their
lives, so that they could be in a happier state of mind. I became
passionate about making a difference to clients’ lives. The
qualities of a counsellor fit with my morals in life, to have a
non-judgmental attitude, to be authentic, and have respect.
Another reason I wanted to be a counsellor was because I wanted to challenge the idea that your disability could stop you from doing the things you want to do. The determination to turn disability into ability made me want to try harder. I have always had cerebral palsy. I am not angry about the condition. That is the way it is. If you are angry about your condition, you won’t get anywhere in life. I don’t see the world with contempt, as if it has done me a disservice. I have a sense of humour, which gets me through the things I cannot do. I have got freedom. I see my wheelchair as my legs. But then I do not have freedom in another sense, because I cannot go out on my own. I have a philosophical outlook, which is the backbone of who I am and how I live.
If I sign up for something, be it a college course or sporting activity, a music gig or a meal out, I always have to say at the start that I am a wheelchair user and I have cerebral palsy. I have to determine the accessibility of a venue before I can go there. Up until a year ago, I found it excruciating to say the words disabled, wheelchair and cerebral palsy. I would jump if I heard these words spoken by someone else. These words were at the root of my problem. To say them was to acknowledge that my disability was a reality and I worked through this in my personal therapy. I don’t think everyone labelled as having adisability should be classified under the term disabled. Now I will begin talking about my counselling training. I will discuss each level of my training in turn, to highlight my personal growth in trying to overcome each challenge I faced. A chameleon can switch its colours. I was used to blending into the background, much like a chameleon can. However, my aim was to become more like a rainbow, which is able to show all of its colours all of the time. I can compare the colours of the rainbow to different emotions and aspirations. I wanted to feel all the emotions represented in the rainbow and to be able to communicate them. My counselling training allowed for this transformation.
Another reason I wanted to be a counsellor was because I wanted to challenge the idea that your disability could stop you from doing the things you want to do. The determination to turn disability into ability made me want to try harder. I have always had cerebral palsy. I am not angry about the condition. That is the way it is. If you are angry about your condition, you won’t get anywhere in life. I don’t see the world with contempt, as if it has done me a disservice. I have a sense of humour, which gets me through the things I cannot do. I have got freedom. I see my wheelchair as my legs. But then I do not have freedom in another sense, because I cannot go out on my own. I have a philosophical outlook, which is the backbone of who I am and how I live.
If I sign up for something, be it a college course or sporting activity, a music gig or a meal out, I always have to say at the start that I am a wheelchair user and I have cerebral palsy. I have to determine the accessibility of a venue before I can go there. Up until a year ago, I found it excruciating to say the words disabled, wheelchair and cerebral palsy. I would jump if I heard these words spoken by someone else. These words were at the root of my problem. To say them was to acknowledge that my disability was a reality and I worked through this in my personal therapy. I don’t think everyone labelled as having adisability should be classified under the term disabled. Now I will begin talking about my counselling training. I will discuss each level of my training in turn, to highlight my personal growth in trying to overcome each challenge I faced. A chameleon can switch its colours. I was used to blending into the background, much like a chameleon can. However, my aim was to become more like a rainbow, which is able to show all of its colours all of the time. I can compare the colours of the rainbow to different emotions and aspirations. I wanted to feel all the emotions represented in the rainbow and to be able to communicate them. My counselling training allowed for this transformation.
Hiding inside my shell
One of the constraints I experienced during my training was myself. I was very shy when I started my counselling course. In my life, at this time, I put up a wall, so others couldn’t get to me. It was as if I had put up a glass panel. I could be seen, but not reached. To get over this, I had to take the wheelchair barrier away first of all, and then I had to take the wall down. I was battling the wheelchair stigma as well as the wall I had built to protect myself, my low self-esteem and confidence. Due to the course being reassembled, I took a year out and when I re-joined I was with a different group. It was a diverse group that encompassed different beliefs, religions, cultures, personalities, counselling styles and philosophical views. The diversity of the group aided discussion around the topic of difference. As well as the diversity within the group, the tutors all had very different teaching styles. But I found it difficult to make connections with my peers at first. They had already built up a friendship between themselves.
When I first met the group I felt apprehensive about whether they would understand my needs immediately. I think that is the case whenever you meet someone new. My deep-seated anxiety showed itself through my quiet voice. I felt completely supported by my tutors, but I did not feel immediately at ease in the group. I started off behaving in a very introverted way.
I chose not to contribute when in the wider group. In fact, I didn’t speak in front of the group as a whole until a year and ahalf into the course. I had, however, showed how much I had to contribute through my written work. The time I had to think about my written work allowed me the chance to articulate it exactly as it was in my head. My silence had given people the chance to wonder what I was like as a person; they seemed curious. I didn’t want to speak for the sake of it, so when I did finally contribute in class, it made my tutor jump.
One of the constraints I experienced during my training was myself. I was very shy when I started my counselling course. In my life, at this time, I put up a wall, so others couldn’t get to me. It was as if I had put up a glass panel. I could be seen, but not reached. To get over this, I had to take the wheelchair barrier away first of all, and then I had to take the wall down. I was battling the wheelchair stigma as well as the wall I had built to protect myself, my low self-esteem and confidence. Due to the course being reassembled, I took a year out and when I re-joined I was with a different group. It was a diverse group that encompassed different beliefs, religions, cultures, personalities, counselling styles and philosophical views. The diversity of the group aided discussion around the topic of difference. As well as the diversity within the group, the tutors all had very different teaching styles. But I found it difficult to make connections with my peers at first. They had already built up a friendship between themselves.
When I first met the group I felt apprehensive about whether they would understand my needs immediately. I think that is the case whenever you meet someone new. My deep-seated anxiety showed itself through my quiet voice. I felt completely supported by my tutors, but I did not feel immediately at ease in the group. I started off behaving in a very introverted way.
I chose not to contribute when in the wider group. In fact, I didn’t speak in front of the group as a whole until a year and ahalf into the course. I had, however, showed how much I had to contribute through my written work. The time I had to think about my written work allowed me the chance to articulate it exactly as it was in my head. My silence had given people the chance to wonder what I was like as a person; they seemed curious. I didn’t want to speak for the sake of it, so when I did finally contribute in class, it made my tutor jump.
I overcame my introverted personality because my thought
processes were so deep. I began to philosophise about why I was
in a wheelchair and how I could move forward. I put things into
context. I started achieving some small goals that I had set
myself. For example, I started sharing more within smaller
groups, and the more I shared, the more my character would
come out. I began to let other people see all the colours of my
personality. It was a gradual process to get to this point, and I
continued to make swift progress. If people were willing to be
patient, and if I was willing to show my true colours, then my
bubbly personality would show itself. When I took the Level 2
exam and the tutors told me I had passed, I didn’t believe it
could be me. I asked: ‘Are you sure you are talking about the
right person?’ But it was me. It wasn’t a figment of my
imagination.
Peeking out
When I was studying for my Level 3 qualification I hired a personal assistant and this had a profound effect on me. It was a necessary part of the course to get my thoughts onto paper.
I tried to use a voice recognition program in order to complete the assignments, but to no avail. Therefore, in order to complete this process, the only feasible option for me was to tell my thoughts to another person, who could write it down for me. Sharing my inner world was a challenge at times. When you
feel you have something to say, amongst friends for example, something that might be a very personal thought or feeling,
or an idea that you feel they might not agree with, then you might choose not to say it. In this context of my counselling coursework I had to say it all. I wanted it to be an honest account of my thoughts and feelings. At times my PA would try to persuade me not to write some of the things that I wanted to. This made me feel more vulnerable about expressing myself truthfully. I had to let them in completely. I had to verbalise everything I was thinking throughout the whole course in order to complete the written component. The congruence, the trust and the confidence between me and my PA was paramount in order for me to get everything down that I wanted to.
Just before the exam for the Level 3 course, my wheelchair was stolen. It was a huge shock, but I had to get on without it. I still had to do the exam, and I managed it. I completed thexam in a manual wheelchair, which meant as a result I was much lower down and I couldn’t move as easily. It made it more difficult for me, but I didn’t give up. Over the course of my studies I had increased my self-awareness to a point where instead of barriers being a hindrance, I just went ahead and got things done. I had developed a quiet mind, but a loud voice when needed. This was due to introspection, which in turn
Peeking out
When I was studying for my Level 3 qualification I hired a personal assistant and this had a profound effect on me. It was a necessary part of the course to get my thoughts onto paper.
I tried to use a voice recognition program in order to complete the assignments, but to no avail. Therefore, in order to complete this process, the only feasible option for me was to tell my thoughts to another person, who could write it down for me. Sharing my inner world was a challenge at times. When you
feel you have something to say, amongst friends for example, something that might be a very personal thought or feeling,
or an idea that you feel they might not agree with, then you might choose not to say it. In this context of my counselling coursework I had to say it all. I wanted it to be an honest account of my thoughts and feelings. At times my PA would try to persuade me not to write some of the things that I wanted to. This made me feel more vulnerable about expressing myself truthfully. I had to let them in completely. I had to verbalise everything I was thinking throughout the whole course in order to complete the written component. The congruence, the trust and the confidence between me and my PA was paramount in order for me to get everything down that I wanted to.
Just before the exam for the Level 3 course, my wheelchair was stolen. It was a huge shock, but I had to get on without it. I still had to do the exam, and I managed it. I completed thexam in a manual wheelchair, which meant as a result I was much lower down and I couldn’t move as easily. It made it more difficult for me, but I didn’t give up. Over the course of my studies I had increased my self-awareness to a point where instead of barriers being a hindrance, I just went ahead and got things done. I had developed a quiet mind, but a loud voice when needed. This was due to introspection, which in turn
led me to find the answer, to find the strength.
Revealing myself
My experience studying for my Level 4 qualification brought a whole host of new challenges. I suddenly found myself losing control of my own body. I lost my balance. Even though I was functioning in my head, all of a sudden my body did not feel part of me. I didn’t feel connected to it and everything became out of synch. As a result, I took eight weeks off in order to work on this change in me. It was during this time that philosophy really became influential for me, helping me to bring my body and mind into alignment once more. Existentialism focuses on the purpose of life and why we are here, and makes you examine your life. Sartre’s concept of ‘being and nothingness’1 was also paramount in my self-discovery. You can experience nothingness inside when you cannot connect the mind and body together. I had a realisation that I am in this world to
learn and do something that I am passionate about. These philosophies helped me to realise this.
There came an important turning point, in terms of my peers’ understanding of my disability, during a skills practice that focused on a scenario surrounding disability. One of my peers had to take the role of a client with motor neurone disease. She had to take on the emotional and physical stress caused by the condition and portray it in the session. The remaining members of the group took it in turns to be the counsellor for five minutes each. Before we did this practice session, I felt that my fellow students were quite scared to talk to me about my disability; after this exercise they found it a lot easier to approach me. They became more inquisitive and they understood more fully what day-to-day life is like for a disabled person, like myself. I believe the group could have benefited even more if an exercise that explored disability had taken place earlier in the training programme. Maybe then I would have connected better with the group in the early stages.
During Level 4 I had to find a work placement. I was worried about working in an agency, in unfamiliar surroundings. I contacted 50 different organisations and received very similar responses – either that there was no accessibility, or that they were not taking on students at that time. I do not believe that counselling work placements are set up adequately forwheelchair users. I still believe there is a lot of work to be done to make it more inclusive to all. Thankfully, my tutors were very supportive and contacted the exam board on my behalf and organised things so I could complete my work placement hours from home. I advertised my counselling service online in order to recruit clients. Working from home did present some risks and ethical issues. The experience of first meeting a client can be daunting. On top of this, to welcome them into my own home made me consider my safety. To rectify this, there is always someone in the house when I’m counselling. In my house I have my own room in which to see clients. This provides a confidential and private space. Since then, I have very nearly completed my 120 client hours. I have been carrying out individual counselling with adults presenting with eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety and disability. My supervisor has provided help and support throughout my completion of client hours. I was responsible for the initial assessment to gauge whether I could work with the clients’ issues effectively. My caseload was then handled by having two or three clients a week, managed by my supervisor and myself. I also attended monthly supervision to discuss my work. I can now see the finishing post. It gets closer every time I complete another client hour. My dream is becoming more realistic every day.
Revealing myself
My experience studying for my Level 4 qualification brought a whole host of new challenges. I suddenly found myself losing control of my own body. I lost my balance. Even though I was functioning in my head, all of a sudden my body did not feel part of me. I didn’t feel connected to it and everything became out of synch. As a result, I took eight weeks off in order to work on this change in me. It was during this time that philosophy really became influential for me, helping me to bring my body and mind into alignment once more. Existentialism focuses on the purpose of life and why we are here, and makes you examine your life. Sartre’s concept of ‘being and nothingness’1 was also paramount in my self-discovery. You can experience nothingness inside when you cannot connect the mind and body together. I had a realisation that I am in this world to
learn and do something that I am passionate about. These philosophies helped me to realise this.
There came an important turning point, in terms of my peers’ understanding of my disability, during a skills practice that focused on a scenario surrounding disability. One of my peers had to take the role of a client with motor neurone disease. She had to take on the emotional and physical stress caused by the condition and portray it in the session. The remaining members of the group took it in turns to be the counsellor for five minutes each. Before we did this practice session, I felt that my fellow students were quite scared to talk to me about my disability; after this exercise they found it a lot easier to approach me. They became more inquisitive and they understood more fully what day-to-day life is like for a disabled person, like myself. I believe the group could have benefited even more if an exercise that explored disability had taken place earlier in the training programme. Maybe then I would have connected better with the group in the early stages.
During Level 4 I had to find a work placement. I was worried about working in an agency, in unfamiliar surroundings. I contacted 50 different organisations and received very similar responses – either that there was no accessibility, or that they were not taking on students at that time. I do not believe that counselling work placements are set up adequately forwheelchair users. I still believe there is a lot of work to be done to make it more inclusive to all. Thankfully, my tutors were very supportive and contacted the exam board on my behalf and organised things so I could complete my work placement hours from home. I advertised my counselling service online in order to recruit clients. Working from home did present some risks and ethical issues. The experience of first meeting a client can be daunting. On top of this, to welcome them into my own home made me consider my safety. To rectify this, there is always someone in the house when I’m counselling. In my house I have my own room in which to see clients. This provides a confidential and private space. Since then, I have very nearly completed my 120 client hours. I have been carrying out individual counselling with adults presenting with eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety and disability. My supervisor has provided help and support throughout my completion of client hours. I was responsible for the initial assessment to gauge whether I could work with the clients’ issues effectively. My caseload was then handled by having two or three clients a week, managed by my supervisor and myself. I also attended monthly supervision to discuss my work. I can now see the finishing post. It gets closer every time I complete another client hour. My dream is becoming more realistic every day.
Putting things into practice
I’m equipped to tackle life now, and this is down to my present frame of mind. This shift in my mindset is due to the counselling course I have been pursuing and my own personal therapy. My capacity to think about things in a deep way gives me a reassurance that I am able to go beyond the self. The pain of any situation I might be facing goes away when I think deeply about life and my self-awareness. This depth gives me strength, and it prevents me from falling back into how I felt at the beginning of my training. If something did not go quite right before, I would fall straight down. But now I can better arrive at a balance.
I look up rather than down now. But I am glad that I had the experience of falling down, because without it I would never have had the chance to bounce back up, and I realise I have experienced similar emotions to what my clients might have been through.
I’m equipped to tackle life now, and this is down to my present frame of mind. This shift in my mindset is due to the counselling course I have been pursuing and my own personal therapy. My capacity to think about things in a deep way gives me a reassurance that I am able to go beyond the self. The pain of any situation I might be facing goes away when I think deeply about life and my self-awareness. This depth gives me strength, and it prevents me from falling back into how I felt at the beginning of my training. If something did not go quite right before, I would fall straight down. But now I can better arrive at a balance.
I look up rather than down now. But I am glad that I had the experience of falling down, because without it I would never have had the chance to bounce back up, and I realise I have experienced similar emotions to what my clients might have been through.
When I had my first private practice client this was a massive
step. It proved to me that I could actually do it. No matter how
many problems you might face, it can be done. Overcoming
nervousness, achieving confidence and self-esteem, forgetting
the stigma of the wheelchair, the introspection, the ability to
self-reflect – all these elements I have experienced along the
way to reaching my diploma in counselling. I am partly writing
this article to reflect on my journey and for other people to help
them to follow their own dream.
Reference
1. Sartre J.P. Beingandnothingness:anessayonphenomenological ontology (second edition). London: Routledge; 2003.
1. Sartre J.P. Beingandnothingness:anessayonphenomenological ontology (second edition). London: Routledge; 2003.
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